The Blog: As a Parent . . .
By: Anelalani Livingston-Sturge (Office & Operations Manager, DreamHouse ‘Ewa Beach)
Aloha Mai Kākou! This has been a tumultuous last month and a half, yeah? CoVid-19 has thrown us into a re-set of how to NOW live our lives. As a parent of teenagers, I often wonder if Iʻm doing enough for my children, especially when it comes to education. With each new year we prepare in anticipation for their progress, and school is a critical part of our daily lives. Our children spend 8+ hours a day with educators, leaders, and many others who work tirelessly on their behalf, and we have come to rely on and trust them with our parental treasures.
As CoVid-19 progresses, sheltering in place and taking extra precautions have become the “new normal”. As days turn into weeks, I have reflected on what it was like “back in the day” when my kids were little. They depended on me to mālama (take care), kōkua (help), aloha , and teach them their ABC’s, colors, how to spell their name, and manners. We taught them about safety, cleanliness, being kind, and worked on everything that we believed was important for their growth; and to prepare them for that first day of school. I remember those days fondly and as I look at my teenagers now, I wonder if I’m doing all that I can to prepare them for the world we are living in.
The “Stay at Home” and anticipated curfew hours order has put us back in the positions we have entrusted to others. We are and will always be our kids first teachers, but how do I know if my child is learning the right things? How do I know if what theyʻre doing is enough or too much? Thatʻs been my forever parent's question, “how do I know”? The fact of the matter is, we donʻt know, but we have come this far and theyʻre turning out pretty great, right? As nice as that feels, the reality of being a parent is that we are often anxiously engaged in worrying for the future, well-being, and safety of our kids.
In the past 2 weeks, I have made the mistakes of over-scheduling our day and pushing my kids into being busy. I’ve made the mistake of being hard on myself and on others. I’ve also made the mistake of not acknowledging my children’s emotional and mental needs during this worldwide pandemic. The daily frustration of my fears was felt and seen in my home, and left me feeling like a failure. Inadequate. Definitely not a good place to be during this time. Then one morning a thought came to my mind as I began filling our day with stuff to do. The thought was, “why are you doing all of this?” With tears of frustration I erased my white board and realized that I don’t want my kids to LOOK or BE busy, but it’s the quality of learning and living that is important to me, to them right now. We are going to make mistakes, and it's going to feel like an unknown wilderness, but I have learned that what worked for me in the past, can work for me now. . . and I wanted to share a few things with you.
1-Hā. Breathe. Ever notice when youʻre driving or so focused on doing something, we kinda stop breathing? I know it sounds very cliche, but you have got to breathe. “Hā” is what I tell myself. You can take a moment any time of the day to stop and “Hā”. Acknowledge the good things that are happening in your life NOW. If you can’t do that for yourself, then get support from a friend(s), spouse, whomever it is... Sometimes we need others to help us “breathe”.
2-Find your Word. What is important to you? What do you need? What does your child/family need? You cannot fill another person's love bucket until yours is filled. When I ask myself this question today, the word “quality” came to mind. For you it might be smile, stability, love, movement, stop, forgiveness, or fun. Whatever is important to you today, find your word to guide and remind you.
3- KISS is a U.S. Naval designed principle that was created in the 1960’s. This acronym stands for “Keep It Simple and Straightforward”. Throughout my life, I have found that KISS-ing saved my sanity and many rough days. KISS and decide for yourselves what you and your family need, and let go of the non-essentials. We are parents forging our family’s path. It’s never going to be perfect or flawless. The main thing (for me) is adding quality to my day and to the lives of those I love. Find joy in the journey.
4-Schedule your family “flow”. As a homemaker and self-proclaimed domestic goddess (((giggle))), there are daily activities that need to happen each day to keep our homes going, or our ships afloat. My sister gave me a good piece of advice many years ago (she has 7 kids) about cleaning the house with kids. It was to “allow your kids to choose how they want to help in the home. Simply write a list of things that need to get done, and tell them “I don't care who does it, but we need to do our best to complete this list by ‘X’ time today.” Rally your kids with music, and encouraging words as they check off the list. Those words of gratitude and encouragement can make a difference to them. Yes, even with teenagers. ((smile)) KISS a list and schedule and KISS your expectations.
There is another part to this schedule, and that is Distance Learning. At first it's a little scary, yeah? Leaving your child to do his or her online assignments and hoping to see some type of learning happening. It doesn’t help that many of us were told that assignments during this time is optional. Gratefully, DreamHouse has provided more than just a weekly mailed packet for your child to complete. Our Coaches have created dynamic and interactive lessons, consistent office hours, advisory, and other ways to engage and mālama your child. If you’re like me, and still want some visual reassurance of their learning, here are a few things we do in our home every summer and now as we live thru CoVid-19:
Work on one core subject/assignment a day.
30 minutes of reading.
10-15 minutes practicing math facts.
Some form of writing or creative expression.
We didn't reinvent the wheel, we KISSed and went back to the basics of education. As my children completed each school year, reading levels, math scores and social graces have affirmed to me that what we do at home is a critical part of their education and life.
Although we are going through this worldwide pandemic together, it’s up to each of us on HOW we are going to build structure, love and support in our homes during this weird time. School work and practice lessons won’t fill the whole day with study, I don't think itʻs supposed to. Kids around the world are processing the effects CoVid-19 and they need time to have fun, zone out, heal and be kids. For me, it goes back to my word “quality” and knowing it’s important for my kids to gain a deeper understanding of whatever they’re learning and experiencing right now. Let your word (and kids) guide and remind you when things get sticky. Hā. Breathe. KISS. We cannot control and donʻt know what will happen around us, but we can control what happens within us and our homes.
As former President Roosevelt said, “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” I think that is my take away for today, maybe even this week, to remember to KISS as it gets hectic, Hā when I am feeling extra emotional, or saying my word to remind me of whatʻs needed and important right now. Mahalo for sharing this time and space with me. If you would like to share any links, experiences, mana’o, ideas, remarks etc, please do so in the comment section below. I would love to hear from you. Be good to yourself. Mālama Pono and Aloha Nō.
XOX Coach Anela
anelalanils@dreamhouseewabeach.org